Dead Silent

It was exceptionally quiet the night I died.

Quieter than I’ve ever heard before.

And I don’t mean quiet like I couldn’t hear anything going on around me.

I heard everything … but it meant nothing.

I heard the paramedics.
I heard sirens.
I heard his crying.

I felt the pain.

But I didn’t hear anything in my own head. It was happening all around me. Happening to me. And it was a wave of everything. But I could do nothing to stop it. I could say nothing. I was dying. And just a moment later, I was dead.

That was different. It’s like I finally stopped asking questions – I had a new silence. And I had no desire to investigate what was going on around me. I had no opinions or urges.

I just existed.

Or didn’t exist.

That wasn’t quite clear just yet.

But my brain, it was quiet. That voice inside my head, she was quiet. I like to think of it as satiated. She was satisfied. For a little while. At least that first night. I didn’t have anything to say to me. I was just…..dead. And that wasn’t a bad thing. I was content in my deadness. Content in my knowing that there was nothing more to know. That it all ended with a car accident and me flat out on the ground. And being in a body bag wasn’t so bad. It’s not all that scary at the end. Smells a little but I think that was me.

And then, like a fucking flash or explosion or labor and delivery, I was alive again.

And everything hurt. It was too loud and I was so confused. I was me inside but someone else entirely outside. I was a goddamn baby! And I couldn’t lift my head and I couldn’t focus my eyes. And oh dear God, I couldn’t hold my bowels. But I could think. I could think all the thoughts I thought before. I understood algebra (well kinda) and I could spell. And I understood the universe. And what all that beeping was and the words the nurses were using and that nurses were actually a thing. I understood and holy shit was that confusing because I was a goddamn BABY!

LOL I’m just playing. Hi Everyone !